Remembering yesterday...

The past few days have been hard, no way around it, just hard. We spent the first three days of the week couped up in a ridiculously small hospital room and, as thankful as I was to finally get back home, it seems like the drama came with us. Have you ever had one of those weeks where it seems like your children fight about everything at every moment possible? Usually, my children are very loving towards each other, with only the occasional snatched toy or unkind word, but the past couple of days have been quite different. Everytime Landen picks up a toy to play with, McKaylee decides (very suddenly) that this particular toy is exactly the toy she wants to play with. A lot of tears are shed as I cannot and will not ask my son to entertain my little girl's every whim and desire. On the other side of things, Landen has discovered the exciting game of irritating a little girl. Because McKaylee's immune system is on the "not so existent" side, they are not allowed to have any sort of physical contact; no hugs, kisses or anything of the sort. So to add insult to injury, Landen will act like he's going to give her a hug, which she lovingly takes this bait, only to dash away in an instant leaving her standing there with her arms wide open. I know, I know, he's five...well almost six....and he's a boy and this type of taunting is perfectly normal for his age, but it's just not how he usually is with her. So to say that things have been stressful lately would be an understatement. And the icing on the cake is that we can't leave the house right now, no Walmart trips, no playdates, no library outings; once again because of her weakened immune system. So these kids are forced to be at home with each other constantly with no outlet to the outside world. I have a feeling this has contributed to our insanity. As I was fiddling with the computer this morning during McKaylee's nap, I came across something from our days at St. Jude's. It was a note that I had written to the future "me". I vaguely remember writing it but I have to think it was God who led me to read this as it really put everything back into perspective. Here's what it said:

Dear Future Me,

Today she woke up, breathed in and out, smiled at her mommy and played with her dolls. Today she was a princess, carrying her purse around like she owned the place and it brought so much joy to my soul to see her happiness. There were moments of struggle, times of fatigue for her, but overall today was a good day because it was another day that I got to keep her and love her. I'll never know what tomorrow holds, but I'm starting to realize that sometimes that's okay. Sometimes I'm content with today because each day she survives is another miracle, another victory. Today was one of those miracles. I don't know what you're going through right now as you read this, so far into the future, so much further along in this story than I am right now, but please don't forget these things. Her precious baby smell, the warmth of her soft, balding head, the way she crinkles up her face when she's fake-crying, her penguin-like run, how much she loves to eat noodles (and calls them noonles), how surprised and happy she looks to see me every morning, the way she always tries to boss people around, her eagerness to dance to any noise at any time, the joy I see in her face when she plays with her big brother and all the other incredible and wonderful things that I've had the pleasure of experiencing with her thus far. Please don't ever forget these things, for they have served to define the precious little joy that she is. Maybe as you're reading this, you're still cradling her in your arms, or maybe you're caught up in the frustration of the everyday life of mommy-hood; regardless of where you stand today please don't forget to remember yesterday. And please don't ever forget to thank God at every day's end for the miracle of life you've witnessed once again. God is good....all the time and He has carried you through to where you are now. Keep believing, no matter how hard it might be, never give up.

After reading this, I remembered how I used to envy the day when I would get to chase my kids around again and have nothing bigger to worry about than breaking up fights and mediating arguments. I actually used to pray that this day would come and here I am....living it. So I guess as hard as it might seem to be couped up in this house with my kids constantly picking on each other, at least we're at home and at least we're all together. I have a little girl who's fought her hardest through the most unimaginable tragedy possible and now she has the energy to spike an attitude with her brother, something so unbelievably normal that I forgot to thank God for it. I don't want to take these days for granted because I have a feeling that one day I will look back on these days and think, "Those were the good times.". So I guess I might need to wake up every morning and read this note that I wrote to myself to help me remember that as hard as it might seem, it's nothing compared to what we've already survived. She's here, she's breathing, she's happy and she's feisty with her brother....don't stop to ask questions, just count it as a miracle.