Sometimes it just hurts
My heart is so heavy tonight. I have laid on this sad excuse for a couch for the past 15 minutes trying to fall asleep and as tired as I am, the rest I crave so much seems out of my reach. McKaylee was admitted to the hospital again yesterday for the beginning of Round Seven of Chemo. Her MRI this past Tuesday showed good results, the tumor was stable and hasn't grown, so you think I would be full of hope and joy.....but I just can't seem to focus on the positive right now. I made the mistake of doing some research on McKaylee's tumor. I used to do this all the time, sometimes all night long, constantly searching for as much information as I could find and only depressing myself in the process. Ever since arriving at St. Jude's, I've managed to keep myself away from the obsessiveness of web surfing for statistics, until today. McKaylee was napping and I was alone, so I started searching and was sorry that I did. Sometimes I get so caught up in the current chemo treatment and the side effects that I forget what it is we're fighting here. A tumor, a brain tumor, a grade three malignant brain tumor. The information I found was the same stuff I've read a million times, but it still felt like a blow to the chest. Children that have this type of tumor have an extremely poor prognosis. Even with complete removal, only 20% of the kids live for five years after diagnosis....the rest of them don't make it. That's in the kids who have their tumors completely or partially removed, those tumors that are deemed "inoperable" are almost always fatal. I guess I had forgotten that. Maybe it's my "selective amnesia". Some people might say that this is just Satan at work in me trying to steal God's thunder from the recent good news we have received. Maybe that's true, but honestly, sometimes it feels good just to let myself hurt. Not in a self-destructive way, it's just that I'm human and I'm this little girl's momma and my pain runs so deep that sometimes I think it might just destroy me. It never does, but sometimes it feels that way. I stepped away from the reality of everything for a long time, today I opened that door again. And it's not just my little McKaylee, it's Landen too. He's in kindergarten now and I am missing it all. I couldn't even be there for his first day of school...that just about killed me. I'm so homesick for him and for my family. Just being able to curl up on the couch with my husband and watch a movie at night, eating breakfast with my son in the mornings, being able to cook in my own kitchen....I miss all the little things I used to so often take for granted. I've been there for all the firsts, every milestone and set back, every smile and every tear and now I'm not. My little boy is growing up and I'm missing it right now and sometimes that just hurts. I'm slowly learning that it's okay to actually admit that this situation just sucks. Sometimes it's not fun, sometimes I get tired, sometimes I start to lose my edge a little bit. I know God is there, always with me, picking up the slack even when I don't realize it. But I think He wants me to feel this hurt sometimes, I think it's important for me to remember why we're fighting this horrible battle with McKaylee. It probably seems impossible to actually cherish everyday with your child, but I swear to you that I do with her. I hug her and love her as much as she'll let me each and every day. I guess I figure that as long as she's mine, I'm going to make it count. My hurt helps me to remember why I need to keep fighting so hard with her, it helps me to continue to have sympathy for her even when she's screaming in my face, it pushes me to keep on even on those days where I don't feel like I can take one more step. Jesus always has a way of reminding me that she's in the battle of her life and I'm His vessel to help get her through this. So I just throw my hands up in the air and say, "Use me. Whatever she needs, whenever she needs it. Sustain me with your Grace, strengthen me with your endurance, carry me when I'm weak.". I'm not mother of the year or the strongest Christian you'll ever meet, seriously I'm really not anything but ordinary. The only thing that's going on here is I'm riding on the coat tails of a Savior that has blessed me with everything I need to stick it out till the end. In this tragedy I have seen the awesomeness of God. So for tonight, I'll let the tears roll down my cheeks, feeling the pain that's stabbing at my soul. I'll still believe, I'll still fight and sometimes I'll just hurt....and that's okay.