Searching for joy
Yesterday was a good day...well at least it was a lot better than the day before, but I still had this intense feeling of sadness that I kept stuffing in the corners of my mind. I always picture it like a wall. I'm standing on one side of this brick wall that's only a little bit taller than me and those horrible emotions filled with pain, anger and sadness have been quickly thrown to the other side of the wall...safely out of my view. But they're never really gone, it's like I always know they're there, I just refuse to acknowledge them. My mom is going back to B'ham today for the weekend as my husband is coming up for the weekend. She suggested that I go back to the Target House and sleep last night instead of us both spending the night up at the hospital again. I was reluctant at first, but the thought of a full night of uninterrupted sleep was too appealing. As I was driving to the house, it was just beginning to get dark outside and the muggy air had finally begun to lift. Suddenly it was quite, almost too quiet,and a piece of that brick wall crumbled and I became overwhelmed with sadness for my little McKaylee. She had such a hard day yesterday, her eyes looked terrible, she seemed physically weak, and her disposition had it's moments of joy but for the most part, she was in a raw mood. It's one of the first times throughout this long road of sickness that's she's actually looked "sick". It just about rips my heart out of my chest to have to see her like that. It seems like we keep reaching and reaching for some relief, for some good news, for some sort of hope to save this precious little girl. And honestly, sometimes it just seems like we've come to the edge of a cliff and there is no more road to travel. There's just this feeling in my spirit, this aching in my soul and I've never felt this before. I don't know what it is but it hurts. Nothing even seems normal anymore; walking into the grocery store the other day to pick up some stuff, I felt so out of place. It was this weird feeling of, "my daughter's in the hospital, sick, miserable and in pain and I'm buying groceries.", I guess it just seems like life shouldn't carry on as normal. And somehow it does....but it never seems right. I can handle this when she's happy and full of life, but as she's started slowly wearing down from the cancer and the chemo I've seen that brick wall that's barricading my unwanted emotions slowly coming down, piece by piece by piece. And as I stare into the reality of my own pain and watch my daughter face a battle that seems larger than life, I continue to hear that still, soft voice. "I will carry you, I will give you strength, My Grace is sufficient." Sometimes there are days where I refuse to listen to that message as it requires me to actually admit to myself how much this hurts. Then there are days where the only thing that's keeping me going is knowing that I'm not the only thing that's keeping me going. So today I will face this sadness with as much courage as I can find within myself. She's worth it, she's worth every bit of fight I have left within me. I might walk with a little less joy in my steps these days as I watch my little girl struggle through such difficulty and pain. I might smile a little less and laughter might become a stranger to me, because as much as the cancer is wearing on her, watching her suffer is wearing on me. That's not to say that I'll give up, because I never will, it just means that I can actually admit now that this hurts and it hurts really bad. I won't bother to count the hard days anymore, as they have become too frequent to keep track of, but I'll never stop counting her good days. Please Jesus, give her freedom from this pain, give her relief from this suffering, bind this tumor in Your name....and we will give You the glory forever.