Monday, July 14, 2008

My prayer

There have been so many times during the past six months that I have gotten worn down, so many times where I’ve reached a point where I just didn’t think I could take it anymore, this past weekend was one of those times. Chunks-a-lot is really starting to wear down from the Chemotherapy….and we’ve only just completed the first cycle. We’re supposed to have about five more months of this before her treatments slack off a little bit, there’s a part of me that wonders if she’ll be able to take five more months of this. She has been lethargic, moody, irritable, and has cried endlessly for days. There have been moments, sometimes even lasting an hour or so, where she seems her normal, bubbly self but for the most part she’s been really out of sorts. I can feel myself breaking down a little bit. It had already started to happen when she got an infection last week and was admitted to the hospital, but spending the past few days tending to a screaming, miserable child has almost put me over the edge. I took her outside yesterday evening after Lips went back home for another week of work and for the first time in awhile, it was just mommy and Chunks. We walked around together and examined the trees, poked at some ants and crunched some dead leaves in our hands. She toddled along holding my finger and pointing at all the squirrels and birds and calling them “kitty-kitty’s”. I got a little choked up watching her, she was unusually calm and happy, much unlike the Chunks-a-lot we’ve seen over the past few days. Her hair has started coming out, so her little head is getting a little patchy and her eyes are rimmed with red and cupped by faint black circles beneath. She’s lost a little bit of weight and looking at pictures of her a month ago compared with now, you can tell she’s slimmed up a bit. As I was standing there staring at her it was like I suddenly realized how sick she really is. I wanted to cry and the tears were there, but I didn’t let myself. I guess I was scared that if I started crying, I wouldn’t be able to stop. She sat down on the sidewalk, so I joined her and she seemed to be so caught up in her own world….running her finger along the pavement, watching the birds look for insects, twiddling a piece of grass between her fingers. Suddenly, she turned her face towards me and her crystal blue eyes sparkled as they met mine. She smiled, her tiny baby teeth showing through, and softly said, “Momma….”. Then she scooted closer and hugged me, patting her little hand on my back. A tear rolled down my face so slowly it almost seemed dramatic. I rubbed the back of her hair with my hand and watched as her little baby hairs floated away in the breeze. I held her for what seemed like forever, just savoring that precious moment of love between us. She pulled away and smiled at me again before falling back into the amazement of the world around her. And in that moment, for the first time, I thought about what it would truly be like to have to lose her. To not see that precious face every morning, smiling at me so innocently. To not hear her tiny voice calling out “Momma”. To miss her smell, her soft skin, her beautiful eyes and all the precious little things in between that make her my angel. The feeling of sadness I felt was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I physically and emotionally hurt in such a way that I couldn’t even move. I closed my eyes for a moment and begged God for about the millionth time to please let me keep her. I know the spill, He loves her more than I ever could, He always has our best interests at heart, her life belongs to Him; and I believe all those things to the depths of my being. But is it so wrong for me to just want to keep her? So I’ll just go on walking this impossible journey, tears in my eyes, burdens on my back, casting them all at the cross; then waking up the very next day and doing it all over again. And I’ll still end my days pleading with Jesus Christ for my little girl’s life. So it goes, “Dear Jesus, I don’t proclaim to know your purpose in all this. I don’t pretend to understand your plan and I admit that I don’t always walk each step in humbleness to You. I may not be a perfect mommy, but I love my children. This little angel is my world, she delights my life and I love her so intensely, sometimes it hurts. Please Jesus, bind this tumor, do a miracle in the healing of this little girl’s life and please let me keep her. Jesus, please let me keep her. Jesus, please let me keep her.”

9 comments:

Jules said...

Crying and praying with you. I can't stress this enough: You are NOT alone. You are NEVER alone, Jessica, and niether is precious little McKaylee.

DonnaK said...

You don't know me, but I learned of your story when I heard your husband on Rick and Bubba. My name is Donna and I live in Lincoln, Alabama. I just wanted to let you know that I have been keeping up with your blog and your caringbridge site. I have been praying for your little girl, you, and the rest of your family and will continue. We serve a GREAT BIG God and we know that he WILL heal your little girl. (whether he heals her on this earth or in Heaven, she will be healed!) Just know that your faith in this time is such a testimony for everyone that comes in contact with you to witness, and so many lives will be touched through whatever comes. I wanted to share with you some scripture to hold on to as you continue on this journey:
Romans 15:13 says: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
1 Peter 4:12-13 says: Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.
John 16:33 says: In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Thank you for sharing your story, and know that your family is being bathed in prayer!

Donna Kay

Natalie said...

Oh Jessica. My heart is broken for you my friend.
Crying with you now.
Praying for your strength.
Standing in the gap for you.

Mama Mojo said...

And we are all praying that same prayer with you.

I am so sorry, Mama. I never know what to say in times like these so I usually don't say anything at all. But I just want you to know that I am praying for you and that angel baby. I have a daughter very close in age to yours, I can't even imagine.

Christi said...

Oh Jessica. My heart breaks for you and your sweet wee one. Please know that there are many, many moms praying for you.

AP mama said...

You are in our continual prayers that sweet little McKaylee makes a full recovery. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am praying for your strength during such a difficult time.

Vero said...

You don't know me, but I will be praying for you and your little girl. Hope things get a better really soon.

Whitney said...

jessica,

i learned of mckaylee and her illness through your husband (i work at davis architects so we see him daily). please know that we are lifting your little girl up in prayer everyday. you are not alone in this...you are not alone! i love what natalie posted "we are standing in the gap for you"...so true!!

thank you for allowing this stranger to fall in love with your family and teach her even more the power of prayer.

grace and peach to you today,
whitney
birmingham, al

Jennifer said...

Amen to everything. I am trying to type through tears, hurting for you and your sweet little girl. I am amazed at your strength, and I know it is God's strength on display in you. You are bringing glory to His name. I am praying for her healing on THIS side of Heaven.