Thursday, December 18, 2008

The real miracle of healing



As I sit here tonight in my home, surrounded by all the things that I've come to find comfort in over the past few years, I find myself overwhelmed by peace. Looking back over these past six months, I now realize how hard the journey has been and how unbelievably thankful I am to finally be at home for good. There's an ache in my heart for the families we left behind at St. Jude's, the families that continue to fight for healing, for miracles, for home. And as thankful as I am to be here, I know our journey only continues as my little girl fights for her life. I pulled Talks-a-lot and not-so-Chunks-a-lot into my son's bed tonight, curled up in blankets and stuffed toys to read some books together. The third book we read was by Max Lucado and it was called, "In case you ever wonder". It was about a parent's love for their child and near the end of the book it talked about heaven. How there will be no tears, no pain, no need to want for anything....a perfect escape from this not-so-perfect world. Reading this part made a lump form in my throat and I had to stop reading for a minute to compose myself. In fighting for this miracle for my little girl, sometimes I only focus on my perception of what a miracle really is. For her body to be healed, on this earth, so I can keep her and hold her forever....but is that true healing? For are we not all hurting in some way, sick in one way or another, fighting our own battles day in and day out. Can anyone ever experience true healing here on earth? I suddenly realized how backwards my thinking is. For the healing we will all experience as we enter the gates of heaven, greeted by the Savior that has carried us through, finally resting in the peace of the angels that surround us; is this not the ultimate healing we all hope to one day experience? God opened up my eyes tonight to something. Not that I will stop praying for her pain to be taken away, not that I will ever stop begging for her tumor to be bound, not that I will ever give up on believing in this miracle of physical healing, but just that God's mercy runs far deeper than my eyes can see. I teach my children to thirst for Christ, to encourage others towards Him, all in an effort to help them reach their eternal destiny in heaven; the ultimate healing in a broken world. Heaven isn't just a fairytale wrapped up in a child's book, it's the eternity we should all hope to reach one day. Upon this leading and understanding from God, I felt the courage to again surrender my little girl's life to Him. I've done it a thousand times and will probably have to be reminded to do it a thousand more. For as much as I want to keep her, I do truly love her enough to let her go. And with that comes freedom, the freedom to walk each step of this battle in peace and faith. Never looking back at the anxiety, fear and worry that will constantly try and plague my every move, never fearing the future for He's already written it. I guess I've just realized how deep Christ's love for us really is, that He has prepared a place for us to go after fighting through life here on earth. I'd like to think I've experienced a taste of what that feeling might be like last night as I walked in the door of my home, leaving the heartache behind me as peace overwhelmed me. I'll keep on praying for a miracle for my little McKaylee, but I'll also pray for both of my children to one day reach heaven's gates into the arms of their Savior, knowing that's where they'll truly find their miracles.

6 comments:

Aspiemom said...

Beautiful post. I could feel the peace seeping through as I read.

May God bless you and your family this Christmas

Mary said...

You amaze me with your strength! The peace of God truly flows through your words. I was touched by what you wrote. He truly does love us so very much, more than we can understand.

Tim said...

Jess,

You're truly amazing and a lesson to me about perspective and what's really important in this life. God is no doubt using you to help all of us who are connected to you learn something...I hope we're paying attention.

I Love You and am proud to be your uncle. I wish you and Steven and your children joy during the holidays and beyond as you navigate this journey...Uncle Tim

Aunt Debbie said...

You are experiencing "Christmas" on a daily basis. I thank God that you have so grasped the real meaning. You encourage me daily. I do pray for Mckaylee's "miracle" here where she can continue to be used for God's glory and you can continue to enjoy her. Jess, you are already experiencing "heaven" for your perception is where God wants us all to be!! Love to you all. Aunt Debbie

Planting Daisies said...

You don't know me, but I was reading your blog and want you to know I'm praying for your strenth and peace! I also wanted to tell you that I teach a senior girl in my high school whose family is moving to Tennesee because her father has just been hired at St. Jude's in their cancer research center. He is honored to have been hired there and is looking foward to his journey at such a wonderful place.

Blessings

Mrs. Page's Page said...

Through the tears after reading your post I can write, God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I praise Him that He is allowing you peace that surpasses all understanding and the wisdom to know the He loves your precious baby with all His power. He loves you too with that same love. I know it and see it in your surrendered heart. May He bless you and keep you in His loving arms through this journey. That is my prayer for you and your precious family.

With love in Jesus name,

"Mrs. Page"