Friday, November 21, 2008

Forgetting to remember


The past five months have been hard....probably some of the hardest times I've ever lived through. There were days where I didn't think my daughter would live through the treatments, days where I wasn't sure if she could go one more day without eating, days where I couldn't feel the presence of the God I cried out to so desperately. Those days are over and I have had the pleasure and the joy of seeing my little Chunks-a-lot thrive and grow in ways I never thought she would. The happiness I see in her face delights my soul and she is such a sweet blessing in my life.
Yet it's interesting how quickly the memory of the hard days has faded from my mind, I've been surprised by my sub-conscious eagerness to forget those days and weeks that we somehow survived. I can remember crying out to God sometimes on an hourly basis, begging for His mercy, pleading for His intervention. And somewhere along the way, God answered our prayers; for here she is, happy, thriving and improving daily. And instead of increasing my praises to the God that has healed her thus far, I've slowly diminished in my prayer life.
It's funny how God reminds you, continuously, that you still need Him. Two days ago, my little Chunky girl started having problems with her balance again. It seemed to happen very suddenly and her clumsiness seems to plague her once again. She has become more irritable, as well, and it's interesting how quickly I hit my knees when this change occurred. Obviously, I am terrified that the tumor has started growing again and is causing her problems.....and it seems to be a nightmare I can never quite wake up from. This problem with her balance has happened so many times before and it's always resolved itself without explanation, but this time I feel my fears rising up in me like they used to in the beginning of this journey. That horrible feeling of despair, those constant questions of "what if?", the complete and total vulnerability I have at the realization that her life is in the Hands of the One who gave her to me.
It's situations like this that make me feel like a child in the grand scheme of things. It's just like I can teach my son something profound and I will see him latch onto the concept in that moment, but give him a few days and he will completely abandon the knowledge he's recently acquired. His mind is still immature and he's not done growing mentally and emotionally....that's how I feel sometimes in my relationship with Christ. I feel like this journey was meant to teach me something and every time I start to learn it, things get too easy and I forget to stay on the path that God has laid out for me. It makes me feel so juvenile to realize that I need to be constantly reminded to depend completely and totally on God. And as scary as these times are, I am thankful that God keeps putting things in my path to help me remember who's running this show. Her balance might just as suddenly improve tomorrow and she might just go back to being the happy, bouncy toddler she's been lately, but in that instant I should hit my knees in the full assumption that I have just witnessed a miracle. For how many times has God spared her so far? How many times has He given her one more day? How many miracles has He already performed that I just take for granted? Her life seems so fragile to me and I am obsessed with making every moment count....I never want to look back and wish I had done things differently. And in that same passion I should make sure that I never let a day go by without thanking Jesus Christ for giving me one more beautiful day with my precious little girl. The truth is, I have no idea how this story will end but I don't ever want it to end with me forgetting to remember the hundreds of miracles I've seen through this journey. I've always said that if she suffers through this and we do nothing but drown in our own sorrow then her suffering will be in vain, but if we make this count, if we make sure this makes a difference in some body's life for eternity, then we have honored her suffering. And in this battle, in this fight, I don't want to waste another day forgetting what it is God is trying to teach me. It's not just a Miracle for McKaylee, it's a miracle for all of those who have been touched by her story, including myself. So as I drop to my knees in another desperate prayer, I am reminded once again of how safe I feel in the arms of my Savior. Knowing He will heal her, one way or another, and finding comfort in the fact that I can always come to Him....even after forgetting to praise Him in the good times. I always seem to find myself in the darkness, yet when the light comes pouring in, I all to quickly forget the One who's holding the lantern.

5 comments:

Mary said...

We continue to pray for your sweet one and you & your family. Your faith is a testimony to so many. Your strength is amazing!
May God continue to hold you in the palm of His hand.

Christi said...

You are not alone in this - what a profound post - and a sentiment that we all need to remember.

Rachel Garcia said...

thank you for posting this. I love your honesty because that is what God is using to help us out here looking in. I desperately want to praise God in the good as well and not take his blessings (when they go the way I want) for granted.

Paige said...

Jess, you need to write a book! Your style is amazing, and there is so much truth contained in every post that our dying world needs to hear. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Paige :)

Anonymous said...

Jess, I read daily. Honestly, I think I do it to benefit Me!!!! When I read your entry today, I was reminded of something. Most of us have what would be considered pretty normal lives, especially in conparison to what your family is experiencing. I realize that God sometimes uses unpleasant things to remind us we need to hit our knees, but I don't think we can even phathom that whether we are experiencing "ill" or not, God is constantly working in our lives. In the "bad", maybe we "get" the miracles, but God is always working in our lives and we never know what He has caused us to "escape." Today, Christmas, I know I acknowledged His birth, but it was really later in the day before I really engaged in thanking God for sending His Son in such a way that humbles me. I pray that God will help you grasp what I am fixing to say but I thank God for "your" journey. I have told you this many times before but only God can convey to you how "your" journey and your vulnerability and your faith inspire me on a daily basis. I truly thank my God upon every remberance of you!!!!!! Love, Aunt Debbie