Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A stranger in my own home
So I'm finally here at home, my second visit back since we've been at St. Jude's and I feel oddly out of place. There are so many memories here, resting in the corners, hidden in the walls and they seem to almost haunt me now. I feel this intense urge to bask in the comfort of the life I've had to leave behind and yet I can't seem to find any peace in it. My life has been completely turned upside down and all of the things that used to be so important to me seem so foreign now. I had such a routine of chores, errands and play dates that I used to strictly adhere to and I can't seem to find the motivation to do these things anymore. For I look at my children, together once again, and all I want to do is lie on the floor and play with them. I don't want to waste a moment on anything unimportant (or seemingly so), I just want to catch up on all of this time that I have lost with my little ones. Yet I keep feeling this tug, this constant push to fall back into the mold of who I used to be, but I don't see happiness in that person anymore. As traumatic as my life has been the past four or five months, I feel like I've truly found myself amidst this pain and sadness. And the weird part is, I'm not who I thought I was. My life had taken on such a routine of being this certain type of mother and wife, but deep down inside that's not really who I was....it's just who I was pretending to be. I feel like I got so caught up in life and all the joy I was supposed to be finding that it secretly passed me by, lost in my efforts to be who I thought I needed to be. Now I sit in this house, surrounded by the all of the things I used to let define me and I feel so lost. My mission at St. Jude's doesn't exist as strongly here, here I'm just a mommy with a sick little girl. The hope that engulfs me daily at St. Jude's seems to elude me here as I am once again reminded of how tragic all of this really is. I never thought life would be harder at home than it would be away from home, but in some ways it is. Our fight belongs in the hospital, where battles are won and lost everyday, not here at home. I guess I just wish coming home meant that we could leave this battle through cancer behind us...even if just for a moment. The day I walk through these doors praising God for the miracle He has given to my little girl is the day I will truly feel like I've come back home. We're not there yet....but we're fighting to get there. Our journey at St. Jude's isn't over and that's a story that needs to be written before life can truly begin again. Until then I'll leave those memories hiding in the corners, resting quietly until they can be remembered with joy once again. Believing that one day our home will be surrounded by peace, filled with love and rejoicing in a Miracle.