Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A stranger in my own home

So I'm finally here at home, my second visit back since we've been at St. Jude's and I feel oddly out of place. There are so many memories here, resting in the corners, hidden in the walls and they seem to almost haunt me now. I feel this intense urge to bask in the comfort of the life I've had to leave behind and yet I can't seem to find any peace in it. My life has been completely turned upside down and all of the things that used to be so important to me seem so foreign now. I had such a routine of chores, errands and play dates that I used to strictly adhere to and I can't seem to find the motivation to do these things anymore. For I look at my children, together once again, and all I want to do is lie on the floor and play with them. I don't want to waste a moment on anything unimportant (or seemingly so), I just want to catch up on all of this time that I have lost with my little ones. Yet I keep feeling this tug, this constant push to fall back into the mold of who I used to be, but I don't see happiness in that person anymore. As traumatic as my life has been the past four or five months, I feel like I've truly found myself amidst this pain and sadness. And the weird part is, I'm not who I thought I was. My life had taken on such a routine of being this certain type of mother and wife, but deep down inside that's not really who I was....it's just who I was pretending to be. I feel like I got so caught up in life and all the joy I was supposed to be finding that it secretly passed me by, lost in my efforts to be who I thought I needed to be. Now I sit in this house, surrounded by the all of the things I used to let define me and I feel so lost. My mission at St. Jude's doesn't exist as strongly here, here I'm just a mommy with a sick little girl. The hope that engulfs me daily at St. Jude's seems to elude me here as I am once again reminded of how tragic all of this really is. I never thought life would be harder at home than it would be away from home, but in some ways it is. Our fight belongs in the hospital, where battles are won and lost everyday, not here at home. I guess I just wish coming home meant that we could leave this battle through cancer behind us...even if just for a moment. The day I walk through these doors praising God for the miracle He has given to my little girl is the day I will truly feel like I've come back home. We're not there yet....but we're fighting to get there. Our journey at St. Jude's isn't over and that's a story that needs to be written before life can truly begin again. Until then I'll leave those memories hiding in the corners, resting quietly until they can be remembered with joy once again. Believing that one day our home will be surrounded by peace, filled with love and rejoicing in a Miracle.

3 comments:

Kait said...

Jessica, I think of you and pray for a miracle for McKaylee daily. You have inspired me to look at life in a different way. Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. I am so amazed at your strength through this. May the love of Christ hold you tight as you continue on your journey.

Hope said...

I am praying for you and McKaylee daily. You inspire me with your strength and faith..

Anonymous said...

Hello,

I just come upon your blog and I totally understand what you are saying in your last post.

We have a 6 year old with cancer. He had a tumor in his abdomin. It spread to his lung and his liver. By the power and mercy of God he has gone through a year of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation and is cancer free. We still have four months to go.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand the pain. Even when we are home we feel the pain. It is very difficult to leave it behind. I find myself thinking about the other families and the kids who are having a rough time or who have been diagnosed terminal. It is hard to handle. We spent so much time in the hospital for the first 9 months. When the treatment slowed down a little I fell apart and really looked at what our "normal" is. It is devastating. It has taken a toll on Micah. He has gone through so much pain. It has been so tiring for our whole family.

But on the other hand, we have grown so much in the Lord and learned what is important. The clean floor and the playdate can wait. We learned to not take our time for granted. We have experienced pain that we didn't think we could endure, but also the Lord has richly blessed us.

Sorry this is so long, but when I read your last post I just had to comment. It's rare to find someone who can totally relate to all of the feelings. I know that you are not done your journey. The Lord is powerful and so good. We will pray for you and your family. If you ever want to email, please feel free. I will not be offended if you don't though. I am a stranger! (@:

A sister in Christ,
Belinda
belindapennings@hotmail.com