Monday, June 2, 2008
Heartbroken and healing
Last night was a nightmare....only I was awake and it was real. I couldn't sleep...no matter how long I laid there with my eyes closed, I just couldn't seem to turn off all the thoughts that were invading my mind. Chunks-a-lot started stirring at around midnight and soon began grabbing her head and crying in her sleep. It seemed like every hour during the night passed at a torturous pace that almost made me feel crazy. Finally, at around 4 am, I drifted off only to be awaken a few hours later with the start of a new day. As the morning began, I quickly made my daily phone call to the pediatric oncologist's office hoping that the pathology results for Chunks-a-lot's tumor had come in. Even though the waiting game through all of this mess has proved to be the hardest part, I somehow found myself terrified to finally put a name to this horrible monster that has caused such havoc in my little girl's body. The nurse was extremely reluctant to tell me the diagnosis and the more I pushed the more she beat around the bush. A diagnosis had been made, but they wanted confirmation from the pathologists at John Hopkins before they released the results to us. I felt almost violated as a parent. How is it right that these people know more information about my child's health than I do? I pressed further and finally got a piece of information out of them that I just really never thought I would hear. Cancer. A word....just a word, but a word that almost led me to a complete emotional breakdown. How is this possible.....how can it be that just when it seems things can't get any worse, they do. I feel empty, void, almost like just a shell of a human being. It's just 6 days before her first birthday and instead of looking forward to this wonderful celebration, I am completely devastated. I had this conversation with God and it went something like this, "Don't you know that I'm almost used up? I almost cannot humanly take this anymore. Where are you?". The answer I received was not in the form of a booming voice or a quiet whisper, but instead just a gentle feeling that came across me. Yes, He knows....He's here with me. He's holding my hand and filling my heart with love. I might feel as though I have nothing left to give and that's fine because that's where Jesus comes in and carries me the rest of the way. I am emotionally wrecked and heartbroken, yet I have this eerie sense of peace that I doubt I would humanly posses on my own. That's the power of Christ in all of this. And this isn't a "church answer" or a "christian response", it's the absolute presence of Jesus Christ alive in my soul. I am now faced with this horrible reality that once seemed like such a distant possibility in the long list of things that "could" happen. I look at my precious little angel and her beautiful face and I know that Jesus loves her ten times more than I could possibly imagine. It seems cruel for her to have to endure this but that's my human perspective. God is her father and we can't possibly understand how He is working in all of this, but He is. This can't be where we give up, this is where we get serious about trusting God. She's my little girl, but she's His daughter too. I trust Him with her life, with her heart and her future. That was my next conversation with God, "She's yours. I will fight for her, but I won't fight against the One who made her.". And again, I felt His arms around me.....cradling me in peace, restoring me with hope and filling me with His spirit.