Thursday, May 29, 2008

Deep thoughts

I laid there for awhile tonight and tried to sleep but I just cannot. I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and they seem to have erased any feeling of exhaustion that I might have felt earlier this evening. So far during this medical journey of trauma with Chunks-a-lot, I have managed to keep my head up, only truly losing it a handful of times and then there's tonight. I suddenly feel angry, as though all this pent-up emotion has been let lose to prey upon my being. I've entertained the questions of why......why her, why MY daughter, why something so terrible as a brain tumor. And why does it have to be inoperable? Couldn't just the tumor itself have accomplished the same revival of spirituality without it having to be in a place that is inaccessible surgically? These are impossible questions, some of them even challenging to the God that has allowed this and I know better. I just find myself searching, whether it be for a cure, a "fix", a band-aid or just a peace that seems to escape me often on nights such as these. Don't get me wrong, God has provided an unreal amount of grace, mercy and patience for me and in me during this entire situation and I live off of this daily. It's not that He is not sufficient, He is. It's just that somehow I have realized how very human I am. Recently, I was questioned about whether or not God actually "created" Chunks-a-lot this way or if He merely just "allowed" it to happen; the basis of this argument being that God is incapable of creating something that is bad. But here is my question, whose eyes are we viewing this situation through, God's or our own? What makes the tumor bad? Is it the physical pain it causes my daughter sometimes on a daily basis? Is it the emotional pain it causes my entire family to watch her suffer through this? Is pain the enemy? Is it the fear that we experience as a result of our lack of faith in a holy God? Because humanly, I want to keep her. I want to watch her grow up and be there for her first date, first prom, her graduation....I want to live that with her. But God's plan is bigger. This tumor might not shrink or disappear and she might be carried home to heaven far sooner than we desire, and if so, her passing might hurt terribly but did it accomplish a greater cause? I think God creates us, designs us intricately in the womb of our mothers and when He does this, there is no attention to detail that is spared. So as He was creating her, I guess I'm not positively sure whether He allowed the tumor or actually designed it as a part of her being, but either way He has a purpose for her life and that was a part of His purpose. The tumor might bring pain but it will bring lost souls to Christ, it will revive lukewarm, stagnant Christians, it will touch hundreds if not thousands of people. In that light, is the tumor bad? And should Jesus choose to take her home to heaven then I will know with great peace in my heart that she is enjoying a much more glorious existence with her Maker than she could have ever experienced here on earth. So even though the tumor might cause death, is death really bad? Or is it sometimes a relief from the pain and burdens of this physical earth? The tumor is not the enemy, Satan is the enemy. And if we let him get a foothold in this situation, then her suffering is in vain and THAT makes me angry. But if we seek out the bigger picture, the greater purpose, God's TRUE plan in all of this and we make it count for the glory of God, then we have honored her suffering. For what, if anything, are we here for than to, one, bring lost souls to Christ and two, glorify God. I can count on two fingers how many of these things my little angel has already accomplished in her short life and that puts me to shame. I can already see God's Hand in this as He has changed me and many around me, lighting a fire in me for Christ and His kingdom....and this is just the beginning. My prayer life has been revived, my marriage has been renewed, my relationship with my son has deepened, and the lives of almost everyone in my family have been changed for the better. Through our pain and sadness we have found a renewed faith and dependence in God. I could go on with this for hours and it really fires me up, but don't let me fool you for I am still human and hurting. And I still hug my daughter every half-hour, soaking up every ounce of love from her that I possibly can. But it won't end with my pain or my tears, it will end with all of us becoming champions for Christ. And created or allowed, however you want to look at it, God is USING this and shining through this child to further His kingdom.....and I'm sorry, but there's just nothing bad about that...mm, Amen

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