Tuesday, May 20, 2008
So tomorrow is the "big day"....well, one of many anyhow. Chunks-a-lot has another MRI scan tomorrow morning to check for tumor growth. To say that we are anxious and scared would be a gross understatement; we are terrified. I can somehow get through most days without thinking about her brain tumor or the uncertainty of her future until we start rounding the corner of another MRI. It's then that I realize how horrible and scary all of this really is. I always try to imagine in my mind what the results of her scan are going to be and how I will react to the news. It drives me nuts and, for that reason, I don't expect to get much sleep tonight. She's had a series of bad days here lately and it's made things extremely hard for everyone involved. I find myself zoning out to some type of alternate reality where none of this exists.....I think that's just me trying to survive emotionally. I almost get manic, like I'll go from this high of feeling as though this tumor will disappear to feeling like it might negatively affect her well-being and her future. The whole situation seems surreal. I mean, I carried this tiny peanut in my tummy for nine months, gave birth to her on a beautiful summer day and now I'm faced with the reality that I might not get to "keep" her for as long as I would desire. How do you rationalize that? How do you not beg God every second of everyday for her life? I often take a step back and think, "Really? This is for real? My precious little angel of a daughter has a brain tumor?". I was watching her today as she was collecting all of her favorite stuffed animals and "rocking" them to sleep and I caught myself getting choked up. She is such a little girl, always caring for her little dolls and finding so much joy in all things girl-related. Sometimes, for some reason, this just makes "getting through" this a lot harder. Oh and goodness---she has these precious, chunky legs that almost seem too stubby to aide her in walking, but she manages to get around quite well. Sometimes she'll wander into another room, momentarily escaping from my view and then I'll see her little face peer around the corner and she'll start giggling and toddle back to me. I love those little moments.....those small things that are made precious simply because she's my little Chunks-a-lot. I'm sure this post is quite choppy and might not "flow" too well....but I'm just sitting here in a state of numbness and finding myself quite melancholy. I guess that's to be expected. I just can't help but think about her and smile.....and sometimes even cry. To be given such an amazing gift and know that it could be so quickly taken away is a reality that I cannot begin to prepare myself for. It makes me want to rescue her, somehow save her from this potential tragedy....and yet I cannot. So many people keep offering us different possibilities as to why she has this tumor; could it be genetics, a medicine I took while pregnant, and so on. But I just keep thinking---no way! As hard as it is to understand, this little girl was CREATED this way, brain tumor and all by the very hand of God. This isn't some sort of gross mistake or flaw, nothing goes unnoticed by Christ. I live with that reality, He gave her to me this way for a reason. So I'll just go on loving her and soaking up all the precious memories that I can for as long as I can. Who knows how many lives she will touch and how many people her life will impact. We might never know the reason God allowed this in her life, but I firmly believe that my daughter is somehow furthering the Kingdom of Jesus Christ. And for that, I am blessed. It might be hard, scary, sad and unbelievably heart-wrenching, but I know her life is and always will be in the Hands of the one who created her.