Wednesday, April 9, 2008

What doesn't kill you....

So they say, "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger", and I wonder how true this statement is. The beginning of last week, Chunks-a-lot started screaming again in her sleep, except this time it was with a vengeance. Where before she would scream for maybe 3 hours during her sleep, it has now turned into 6 or 7 hours. Wait a minute, wouldn't that mean she screams the entire night? Ding, ding, ding, exactly right! Well, as though that wasn't bad enough she's started crying most of the day, as well. We're assuming that this change in behavior in the daylight hours is attributed to the fact that she's obviously not sleeping well at night; but oddly enough, even after a good night, she still seems to be fussy and irritable during the day. So we took her for an appointment with the neuro-oncologist who told us that she believes all of this screaming is being caused by pain from the tumor. They put her on some chronic pain medication that she will take three times a day, every day to help make her comfortable. I'm not too crazy about my 10 month old being on a daily regimen of pain medication, but I guess whatever brings her comfort is what's best. I dunno, even though we've been told before that she probably had Thalamic Pain Syndrome, just knowing that the actual tumor is causing her to become extremely symptomatic is really hard to swallow. Nighttime is a blur for me now. I lie there constantly glancing at the clock as it seems to slowly tick by. Daytime is a blur for me now. I spend my entire day either trying to be ridiculously happy and completely refusing to accept the reality before me; or I spend my day in a zombie state of depression where everything seems to make me upset. I think survival would be finding the balance between both, but I'm still trying to feel this thing out. Lips (my hubby) seems to detach himself from the emotional aspect of all this and is able to focus just on the practical issues. I always imagine that men have a switch on the inside of their bodies and when a really hard situation comes into play, they just flip their "man switch" and turn off their emotions. Geeze, I wish I could do that. It seems like, as a woman, I have 50 switches and they're always all on. Hm, maybe I should work on thinking like a easy life would be. I always find it interesting that if a TV is on and there's a man sitting in front of it, the house could be on fire and he would never realize it. Why is that? Lips will be watching the History channel and Talks-a-lot will ask him the same question 50 times and Lips won't even hear him ask it once. I actually have to go in there and say, "LIPS--answer the child!". Lips then gives me this look like, "What are you talking about?" Hah! See, totally zombied out with his "man switch" set to off! Anyways, enough of my wanderings into the male psyche. Well, to those who are reading, I would ask that you say a prayer for Chunks-a-lot. As hard as this might be on me to be losing sleep and trying to function the next day, it's got to be worse for her. I can only imagine how much pain she must be experiencing and she can't even express it to anyone in words. I just pray for her comfort because I feel totally helpless. Well, this post has certainly not been a humorous one, so I guess you can gather what kind of day I have had....obviously not one of my ridiculously happy ones. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. Today was hard, but it didn't kill definitely wore me down but hopefully it also made me stronger. Well, I guess we'll find out tomorrow..

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